I've put off writing this post because I literally don't know how to put into words what I am feeling. I've had such strong feelings on the matter lately, but it could be the pregnancy. That has a funny way of getting to you. This post is about love.
The day I got married, I thought I knew love. But on the day my little girl was born, I
knew I knew love. .. Fast forward a year and a half and I've decided I will never
know love. Love is always growing and is literally immeasurable. I think back on that special day that I brought my baby into this world. How was it possible to love somebody SO MUCH after just meeting?! Talk about "love at first sight"! But my love for her has grown so much I can't even express it. My best attempts are late at night when I miss her after she's gone down for bed. I sneak into her room and insist on picking her up from her peaceful sleep and rock her in my arms. My heart swells and all her perfection captivates me to the point that tears stream down my face uncontrollably. Sometimes I feel that my heart cannot hold all the love I will have for her in, say, one year. Surely it will burst.
I sometimes worry about something happening to Nora and devastation blinds me. The thought is merely unfathomable. My sweet husband reminds me that it's unhealthy to entertain these thoughts and of course he's right. It wouldn't stop anything from happening. And worrying definitely doesn't invite the Spirit. So I try to push them away and cherish every moment even more. My point is to say that Nora is my whole life and I would be beside myself if anything were to happen to her. I tell everyone that Nora is my best friend. Usually followed by a chuckle .. but that's not a joke. I spend almost every minute of the day with her and I can't imagine it any other way. She brightens my day. Her little gap-toothed slobbery smile lights up any room. The sound of her pitter-pattering feet through our house makes my heart skip and I can't help but feel my face smiling. She has so much personality bundled into her little self. Her sweetness and tenderness amazes me. She never ceases to amaze me. The way she is so polite and helpful brings tears to my eyes. A day without her in my life would be an eternity. To not be hugged by her little body would be years without sunshine. To not hear her say "ya-ya" (aka Mommy) would be numbing. I need her more than I need to breathe. My baby is my everything. The one I look forward to shopping with and having "girls day" with. I know she will not know the depth of my love for her until that one day that she brings her own baby into this world and experiences the miracle of motherhood.
Being a mom has given me a deeper sense of self than I've ever received elsewhere. It's my daily challenges and accomplishments. It's my goals and triumphs. I can't remember who I was without my daughter. She makes me "me". She makes me whole. I look forward to each and every day of mothering, nurturing, parenting, and raising. I pray for the guidance and spiritual reassurance that I need to perform these tasks in a way that is pleasing to my Heavenly Father. If there is one thing I want to be "perfect" at, it's being a Mom. I know I will never get there - but I will
never stop trying. It's my job. And I love it day in and day out.
To my baby Nora: You are my first born. You made me a Mommy - you made me "me". I can never express the love I have for you - but I can tell you that you mean more to me than you will ever know. You took a broken person and made her whole. You gave meaning to an otherwise ordinary woman. You taught me more about love than any song, sonnet, or "flick" could have attempted to. You will never know the extent of my love and it will never stop growing. You are so perfect in every single way. I hope you always remember how much you mean to just one person: your Mommy. Never stop hugging me, never stop kissing me, never stop illuminating my life with your vibrant personality. It's my daily dose of everything that keeps me going. I love you forever and always. Love, Mommy.
