Post of Shame

Similar to the walk of shame - this post is an embarrassing realization of my mistake; failing to post on a regular basis. My blog community will see my return "home" and be insulted by my inappropriate blogging tendencies. I am ashamed as I return but it must be done!  Let's be honest here folks, time is of the essence. I'm extremely lacking in the time department. However, I want to take a few short minutes each day and remember the adorable things my toddler says. Or the silly things my baby (yes she is still a baby at 14 months) does! So I here I sit on the latrine putting my new goal into effect. 

This morning as I lay Gwen down for her morning nap - I gave her a kiss and started to leave the room as usual. Nora stopped me and said "Mom, we need to sing to Sissy!" We always sing I am a Child of God at bedtime and Nora always likes to help but we don't usually sing for naps. She then sang I am a Child of God perfectly by herself. I just stared because I didn't know she had picked up so many of the words. She usually stumbles along side me as I sing. But today she knew every word (toddler versions of the words of course). It made my heart smile. And I may have had some sweat leaking from my eyeballs. It's such a joy to be a mother. To watch your child develop and grow and become people. It's humbling. 

I love my girls more than words can say, cliché  right? But it's so true. Every day brings new joys. I'm really addicted to this motherhood thing. My life would be a big nothing without my family. 

"Family, isn't it about .... Time?" 😉

Chapter 2

Things have been well for us.  We are so blessed that Gwen is happy and seemingly healthy.  While she still hasn't gained an ounce, she is active and bubbly.

Gwen went in for an Upper GI a few weeks ago.  It broke my heart to see someone so small wear a hospital gown and my heart breaks for all of the Mommas out there who see their little ones living in hospital gowns.

 Still sporting her bow of course

They were looking for possibly an obstruction anywhere along her gastrointestinal tract that may be the reason for her GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease) or possibly a blockage.  They didn't find anything of that nature but they did find that she has significantly slowed emptying from her stomach to her intestines.  Although this test isn't designed to diagnose this - the doctors seemed concerned about it.

When we returned to the specialists office to discuss the results, we got bad news.  The drugs previously used in cases of slowed emptying have been taken off the market due to negative side effects.  The new course of action would be a prolonged course of azithromycin.  However, it is not safe for patients who have a family medical history of heart arrhythmia.  Unfortunately for Gwen, that is very prevalent in her family history.  Stefan was diagnosed with Wolff Parkinson White Syndrome, a type of SVT (Supraventricular Tachycardia).  And her grandpa also suffers from heart arrhythmia.  So, the specialist suggested we rule out heart arrhythmia in Gwen and then maybe she could be deemed a candidate for the azithromycin.

Now, even though the upper GI turned back some results.  They still are not the reason she is "failing to thrive".

We took Gwen back to her pediatrician on Friday for a weigh-in.  They put Gwen on the scale and my heart sunk when I saw that in 4 weeks not only had she not gained an ounce but she had in fact lost weight.  Despite eating more than any other 8 month old on the planet - she had lost 200 grams.  Half a pound.  It may not seem like much but on an emaciated infant - it is significant.

After that, the tests began.  Gwen's pediatrician ordered several blood tests, an EKG and urine samples. Since Gwen only weighs 5 kg they can only take 5 cc's of blood every couple of days.  Gwen also has very tiny superficial veins which are very hard to draw blood from.  They had to poke her twice the first day and they fished around in her arm for what seemed like hours and they were only able to get 4 cc's.  She was exhausted and very upset.  I was having a hard time watching them hold her down and listening to her scream.  Though I'm trying to remind myself to be strong for Gwen.

 Being a good sport

It'll be a long couple weeks trying to get all this blood drawn for tests, but we are anxious to start ruling out serious conditions and hopefully find the reason our sweet baby is staying so tiny.  I can't help but worry about her. I don't know how to stop scary thoughts from entering my mind but deep down I know that it's all in the Lord's hands and he will take care of all of us.  Right now I am just snuggling her extra tight and even breaking the rules and rocking her to sleep sometimes.  We're praying that whatever they find can be easily treated/managed and if not we pray for the strength to handle any diagnosis we may receive.

Update on Gwen

I should be punished for my lack of blogging.  And that's all I have to say about that.

Gwen Avery Ericksen.  The world's most chipper, lively, little nugget.  I love this baby to the moon and back.  She has further defined the word "Mother" to me.  We have a special bond and I thank my Father in Heaven everyday for sending her to me.  Between her and my amazing, tom-boy toddler - I couldn't be more blessed.

Gwen had a rough beginning to her life.  She suffered from gas and acid reflux.  My hearts broke to see her in pain and sit by feeling helpless.  They prescribed her Zantac which seemed to help about as much as a prescription for chapstick would have helped the situation.  My poor baby was always uncomfortable and/or in pain.  She would wake up from a deep sleep screaming and covered in puke.  She never seemed content during the day.  It was a hard road.  And in all honesty, I wasn't sad for myself.  I never thought "I wish she was an easier baby" for me.  I always felt for her sake.  I wanted her to be happy for herself.  It's a terrible feeling to watch an infant in distress and not be able to do anything for her. What kind of a mother did that make me?  This question plagued me frequently.  But I always felt love and compassion toward Gwen.  I never resented her.  I only wished health and happiness upon her.

Thankfully Gwen was a good sleeper and always has been.  The persistence of sleep training has always paid off for me and I am so grateful to have 2 beautiful babes who sleep 12 hours through the night and have since they were 12 weeks old.

Gwen was born very small.  At 5 lbs. 12 oz. she looked like a toy doll.  Preemie clothes were all that fit her.  I loved having a tiny baby.  She was so beautiful and perfect.  I couldn't have loved her anymore.  Soon, babies that were Gwen's same age started growing.  At first I thought it was cute how she weighed less at 3 months than most full term babies weighed.  I thought nothing more of it.  She was born small - thus she'd be a little behind in gaining weight.  Soon, however, it seemed odd.  At 5 months, Gwen was still wearing newborn diapers and newborn clothes comfortably.  Strangers constantly commented on her size and I grew self conscious.  We made an appointment to see Gwen's new doctor after moving to Florida.  Her doctor was abrupt.  Although I appreciate her aggressive nature as a doctor, I felt embarrassed as a mother.  How could I not have seen the issue at an earlier age?  Why hadn't I expressed concern about her size previously?  More importantly; what had I done wrong?  Thoughts raced through my head and almost demoralized me.  Being a mother is my greatest calling in life.  To feel as though I had done it all wrong shamed me.  I felt like everyone was staring at me and quietly thinking I was a bad Mom.

After some suggestions, referrals, and follow-up appointments, Gwen's doctor diagnosed her with Failure to Thrive noting that she was malnourished.  I know there are worst things to hear as a parent.  But to me, this was heart breaking.  It was an F on my Motherhood report card.  Someone was insinuating that I had starved my child.  That I didn't offer her the right care that a responsible mother should.

Gwen is still being tested to see "why" she has a failure to thrive.  And I have tried to accept that it's not my fault.  But those negative thoughts still seem to be part of my though processes.  At this point I just snuggle my little baby even more and pray that she is alright inside and out.  She's perfect to me.  But I hope that her health and size can soon be "perfected" as it pertains to medical standards.  She brings so much joy to my life and to our family.  We couldn't imagine a better piece to our family puzzle.  Gwen puts a smile on every persons face.  I can't express how perfectly she completes me.