Mother's Day

As Mother's day rolled around, I had very mixed emotions.  I must admit, that my Husband spoiled me and I am not even sure if I quite deserved it... I felt like an illegitimate Mother at church as all the primary children got up and sang to their Mums.  But at the same time, I try to tell myself that I am a Mother and I am doing one of the most amazing things for my child right now.  I am growing her.  That sounds so eerie, like she's a plant.  If she was, she would undoubtedly be the prettiest flower in the garden. But she's not a flower, she's my daughter and I can't believe that every single day for the last 20 weeks, I've carried her with me.  I share every moment of my life with her right now.  I'm giving her life.  Doesn't that make me a Mom?  I didn't want to take one of the gorgeous flowers that they provided for all the Mothers of the Ward.  Even though we are in the sweetest ward and everybody insisted that I should, I still felt like a fake.  A Mock Mother.

My inhibitions also included my fears of Motherhood.  Don't get me wrong, I am more excited than I've ever been in my life, but that doesn't cancel out all of my worries and stresses.  I have always been a perfectionist.  I don't say that to brag, or make you think that I am perfect, because Heaven knows I am nowhere near perfect. And that's why I consider this "condition" as something I suffer from.  I want to be perfect in every aspect, yet I never seem to measure up to all the goals or aspiration I have for myself.  I always wanted to be the best dancer, yet never seemed to achieve that title.  I always worked my hiney off in school, and was very hard on myself when I didn't get straight A's.  In my marriage, I always seem to find the areas where I am falling short.  I can never do it all.  Especially while being pregnant.  I can never seem to get all the cleaning done that needs to be done for the day.  I have been a slacker when it comes to cooking dinner for my husband since I've been pregnant.  There's not enough money to finish all the projects I would like to finish, nor to buy all the decoration I would love to adorn my home with.  I don't read my scriptures every night like I know I should.  And instead of waking up early to say morning prayer with my husband, I usually hit snooze until I have only the exact amount of time it takes to get ready, thus leaving me prayer-less, breakfast-less and lunch-less.  All these shortcomings worry me as I realize that my load will become a lot more full in 20 short weeks.  If I can't balance all of my duties now, how on earth will I ever be able to juggle all the duties of a Mother, Wife, Homemaker, Visiting Teacher, Employee, Friend, etc.  I worry that I am lazy and that I will be too lazy to be the perfect Mom.  All I want to do is be the best Mom in the world, but is that desire enough to finish all the loads of laundry, scrub the toilets, make lunches for my family, and pay the bills?  Is that desire going to drive me to be the best?  Will I be able to look at myself at the end of the day and ever be pleased with my accomplishments?  How will I have the patience to calm a screaming child, fix a bottle, kiss my husband and not feel like I am at my witt's end?  Will my husband be able to say that I am the best mother?  Will he approve of all I do, or fail to do, in a day?  How will his frustrations at the end of a long school day not be aggravated when he comes home to find that I failed to clean the house and get dinner ready?  Will he still support me when I can hardly support myself? All of these things worry me when I consider my desire to be the best Mom that I can be.  How has anybody ever survived?  Will I survive?

I know the Lord is my source of hope in this.  I know that I am following one of the greatest commandments and that he will in turn bless me.  I know that he can make my weaknesses become strengths.  I sincerely pray in my heart, that I will better be able to make time for him, because I know, without a doubt, he is the only way for me to accomplish the things which he has commanded me.  I know there is no such thing as the "perfect mom" and my goal is not to be glorified as a mother through social networking.  I don't wish to blog about my "perfect" life and boast about my successes as a mother.  But I do hope to be able to do the things that I enjoy within my home, and family for my own sanity and happiness.  I am thankful for this gospel because I know that without it, I would be lost in these very depressing worries.  The Lord does love me and he does answer my prayers.  He will help me.  I just need to put my faith in him, count my blessings, and push forward.

This Mother's day, I am thankful for a supportive and loving husband who sees the Mother of his Children when he looks at me.  Who understands that under all this self-doubt, I just wanted to be recognized as a Mother.  A husband who understands the trials of pregnancy and how they will lead to a worthy Motherhood.  Who saw the need to recognize me and treat me like any other Mom this day.  I enjoyed a sweet scavenger hunt, well thought out by this sweet Mr. Somebody... The clues written on pink paper and burned on the edges for authenticity.  Clever clues upon each one, leading me closer and closer to the final prize.  With some help from him, because I have pregnancy brain and couldn't quite figure them all out (that's my story and I am sticking to it), I finally found the prize.  It was a gift certificate to the Season's Salon & Day Spa.  Stefan knows that this pregnancy has taken a toll on my body and I've had aches and pains in places I never knew existed. He heard me mention, probably once, that I would enjoy a nice massage.  And although he knows I love his massages, he decided to treat me to a real day-spa experience.  He also noted that the Spa has tanning, hair and nail, and tons of other treatments and services.  This is a place I could go to relax, rejuvenate, and feel beautiful.  He is so thoughtful.  I am so blessed to grow old with this perfect person.  Who, I might add, gets swamped each spring with my birthday, our anniversary, and Mother's day all within 3 weeks.  He's great at making me feel special and telling me he loves me more times throughout the day than I can even count.

Thank you Stefan, I love you more than words can say.
Thank you Nora, for making a Mother out of me.